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EXCLUSIVE: COVID-19 bat finally speaks out – ‘I’m actually French’

Written by:
E.P Pirt, Jr.

May 1, 2020

After several months in a carefully constructed wit-sec program and speaking from a secret location, the bat responsible for starting coronavirus has finally come forward to set the record straight.

He regrets how it began but maintains it was just, ‘a cheeky nip!’

“I never meant for eet to go zis far, but zee ting zhat really takes le sausage is zhat everyone tinks I’m Chinese. I’m not. I’m Le French!”, he slyly remarked while puffing on a cigarette and nibbling on a piece of warm brie.

Born Alain d’Ivoire in northern France, the insectivore has assumed a new American identity, stating, “I figure it’s zee last place zhey’ll look and their testing system ees a joke! And it ‘as been a life-long dream of mine to be, ow do you say? Zee Americaan!”

When asked if he could change one thing in the world right now, he said, “I’m not zhat keen on zee Facebook redesign. If eet ain’t broke, don’t fix eet.”

When The Dogs Bollocks inquired if revealing his current location was a risky move, he replied, “Shhh, coll me Brad. Zay will nuver kno!”

At time of writing, D’Ivoire has since been relocated to Uganda.

By: E.P Pirt, Jr.

May 1, 2020

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