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“Hold my beer” says Mother Earth as Americans begin return to normalcy

Written by:
E.P Pirt, Jr.

April 24, 2020

Shortly after American governors began announcing social distancing relaxations, a leaked tape surfaced, showing a tired-looking Mother Earth removing her glasses and rubbing the area between her eyes for close to a minute before letting out a deep sigh and saying “Alright….hold my beer.”

A spokesperson from Earth’s office released a statement on Wednesday that read “While Ms. Earth respects the rights of all living creatures, she’s ‘had it up to fucking here’ with humanity’s destructive way of living and it must be addressed.”

While the virus has crippled the economy, the overall health of the planet has drastically improved since the pandemic began forcing humans to stay at home.

“These fuck-faces [sp] just don’t get it”, said Doug, a Louisiana heron on the endangered species list. “The ozone is the cleanest it’s been since the ice age and for the first time in my life, I feel like I can finally drink water without worrying about perfluoro-octanoic acid. It’s not a coincidence.”

A source close to Ms. Earth has suggested that she is considering a thick and impenetrable veil of eternal darkness in order to dissuade people from their old habits, but Father Time has advised her that “a plague of locusts should do the trick.” Other options that are rumored to be on the table are basketball-sized hail, a biblical flood, and four more years of Donald Trump.

At time of writing, the eyes of the Lincoln Memorial have started bleeding.

By: E.P Pirt, Jr.

April 24, 2020

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