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Woman beginning to ponder which piece of her boyfriend she’ll eat first ‘if it comes down to it’ 

Written by:
E.P Pirt, Jr.

April 4, 2020

LANSING, MI — Brenda Roberts has been daydreaming about which body part of her boyfriend, Rick Rothschild she will eat first if the couple runs out of food as a statewide lockdown continues. While they’ve still been getting along “reasonably well”, more and more grocery stores are closing, leaving Roberts worried that their current food supply will only last so long.

“I’d say we’ve got about 10-12 days worth [of food] left. We’re going to make one last run to the 7-Eleven tomorrow but it has hardly anything left anyways. So that might buy us, or should I say buy Luke, another 3 or 4 days.”

While she says “It’s not so much a question of if, it’s a question of when”, Roberts is still struggling to figure out the process. “Rick’s pretty skinny, so there are a couple of things to consider. Do I start small? Will any grow back? This is all pretty new to me.”

Roberts admits that to even get that far, first she has to figure out some other things. 

“I guess the thing I really need to decide is, do I just murder him in his sleep and start freezing his parts or do I try to restrain him, take small cuts, and keep him alive as long as possible? You know, in case this whole thing turns around. He’d probably be pissed but at least he’d still be alive.”

According to the source, Mr. Rothschild is still mostly unaware of his girlfriend’s cannibalistic contemplations, aside from catching her randomly staring at him and “some weird Google search predictions on our laptop lately”.

At the time of writing, Rothschild couldn’t be reached for comment.

By: E.P Pirt, Jr.

April 4, 2020

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