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Dr. Fauci, the voice of reason amid the pandemic panic: ‘Guys, at least this isn’t the clap’

Written by:
E.P Pirt, Jr.

April 3, 2020

WASHINGTON — With the death toll growing, the disease still spreading, and the zeitgeist of the nation hopeless, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, reassured the crowd during a press conference on Tuesday, saying “Guys, at least this isn’t the clap.”

Attempting to put things into perspective, Dr. Fauci asked, “Wouldn’t you rather have a nagging cough than be a sexual pariah with a discharge problem? A little fever rather than having to piss lava? I know I would.” Death by asphyxiation doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?”

He went on to add, “This could be a lot worse so calm down and for the love of god stop hoarding toilet paper. I had to wipe with a paper bag this morning and it’s really starting to chap my ass. Literally.” 

By: E.P Pirt, Jr.

April 3, 2020

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