Luke Rothschild, who has been hiding in an underground shelter with his family since first hearing of the novel coronavirus outbreak in December, said that he had “no choice but to take our chances with COVID-19” after exhausting all efforts to turn off the 2017 chart-topper from The Biebs, Luis Fonsi, and Daddy Yankee after it mysteriously became stuck on repeat.
“It was the strangest thing. We were just passing the time as you normally do in these circumstances – knitting, melting metallic family heirlooms for ammunition, and burning books to keep warm when all of a sudden it dawned on me that some prepubescent mama’s boy had been whimpering in the key of E for at least an hour.”
Rothschild claims to have tried everything from hitting “next” to closing and re-opening Spotify, to restarting his phone, and even blowing into the charger input, but the Post Reggaeton Fusion track refused to cease.
Karen Lowell of the American Preppers Coalition called the situation ‘A survivalist’s worst nightmare’.
Rothschild went on: “After the initial confusion and anger, I started thinking to myself, ‘Hey, this is actually pretty good.’ That’s when I knew the delirium had set in, and we had to get out of there. I thought this kind of psychological warfare only existed in Homeland.”
When asked for comment, a Spotify representative stated, ‘It was a risk to have Despacito on the playlist in the first place.’
As of publication, Bieber’s latest release, Yummy, has forced the Rothschilds back into isolation.